I fell in love this week.
To be more exact, I’ve slowly been falling in love for the last 21 years, and this week it escalated to something I couldn’t control. My heart, mind, motives, actions, and thoughts were centered around this person- consumed wholeheartedly and completely. I couldn’t stop thinking about this person- all I wanted to do was make them happy. My every waking thought was reserved for them: my thoughts and actions centered around them.
This week, I became blinded by my desire for this person, allowing that desire to shape my life, emotions and motives.
All of my hope was in them. Every ounce of my happiness laid in their hands.
And I lay in bed last night, emotionally stripped and hollow. Why? Because this person… they failed me. I woke this morning with a broken heart, shattered and worn and thirsty for hope. And I knew, without a doubt, that one thing was true…
I fell in love with the wrong person.
I put my every desire and hope in the hands of somebody that didn’t deserve it. I allowed myself to cling to the motives and strengths of somebody that was unworthy an incapable. At the end of every day, I chose to believe that this person had the ability to fulfill every part of me, satisfy my every fiber, make me whole.
And they couldn’t.
They couldn’t make me whole, content, and satisfied. They couldn’t be what I needed them to be. They couldn’t do any of these things, because…
Well, because this person was me.
I had fallen in love with the wrong person.
Ever heard of a guy named Paul?
He lived around 2,000 years ago, and he fell in love too. He wrote a lot of letters about his love, encouraging others to know the same kind of love he did.
In one of his letters, he wrote the following to his love:
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing you. For your sake I have suffered many things and count them as trash in order that I may have you….”
Paul was in love, entirely and completely. In fact, he considered everything to be equal to trash compared to being with his love. Every ounce of himself was given to this person, and yet… His letters never found him brokenhearted. His hope in this person did not disappoint- not ever.
In another letter, he wrote:
“….and my hope is not put to shame, because your love has been poured into my heart.”
Paul was in love with God.
Paul put every ounce of his heart, life and soul into the right hands. He fell in love, but that love never put him to shame.
After this week, my heart needs to be reminded where it belongs. I have lived in the sins of idolatry and pride for far too long. If I am honest with myself, I have never been able to repeat Paul’s words with true conviction.
“I consider it all trash that I may gain Christ….”
Consider what “trash”?
God doesn’t ask me for part of my life- He asks me for all of it. He asks me for my hope, for my relationships, for my future plans. He asks me to consider my desires- for marriage, for career, for status- to be seen as disposable in comparison to knowing Him.
“But God… wanting a boyfriend isn’t bad…”
“DESIRE ME MORE THAN THAT.”
“But… Doesn’t my happiness matter?”
“DESIRE ME MORE THAN THAT.”
“God… what about my status? What about what people think about me?”
“I NEED TO BE MORE TO YOU THAN EVEN THAT.”
“OK, then.. what about when I fear loneliness? What about when I can’t see you? What if I want a job, or a position, or a person so badly that I can hardly think straight? How can I consider those things trash?”
In Jeremiah 29:13, God says that “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.”
Why have I gone so long without seeing God? Because I have not been seeking Him with all of my heart. Day after day I hold parts of my life from Him, not trusting Him with what I desire most. Not trusting Him with my love.
Friends, I don’t need you to tell me what you need to give to God today. I know what He asks of you- He asks for everything. I plead you to put your heart in the only hands that deserve it.
Don’t fall in love with the wrong person. Don’t love anything or anyone more than you love your God. No reality, no matter how lovely, can surpass the joy of Jesus Christ.
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ.”