It’s Time To See The Good

I have a confession. This isn’t what I was going to post. I already had something else written, spell checked, tagged and ready to go, but I woke up this morning and realized I couldn’t post it.

Because it was 1,000 words about what was wrong with my life, what was wrong with the church, what is wrong about what is happening around me right now. And I’m tired of focusing on everything that doesn’t fit where I want it to.

You see, I’m the problem. I have blamed a million things for my negative attitude, but nothing is to blame but the brain between my ears and the crooked heart in my chest. And it’s oddly liberating to know this, because for so long I couldn’t understand how the world we live in could be so paradoxical. It had my head spinning, for it would seem so dark to me, as I awoke on an aimless Saturday morning, or wrote another paper, or gazed at the unknown days ahead. The world seemed menacing and dark to me, and yet I would go for an evening run to Walmart, and as I drove past an open lot the ground would glitter with lightening bugs and the sky would be seven shades of red and I couldn’t understand how a world so beautiful could seem so dark to me.

And now I know: the lightning bugs have it right. They are beautiful because they can’t help it – they were programmed and designed to spread glitter across green landscape. They were simply created beautifully and so was I, and any day I refuse to believe that is a sad waste of precious time.

I’m only 22, but I have lost entire seasons of my life worrying myself to panic or, worse, sleep. I couldn’t figure out how I could be so tired by 11 am until I realized that I had created an exhausting world in my own head. I was torturing myself with my negative thoughts, and it wore me out. I was literally making myself sick with worry. And it was all my fault, in the best of ways.

I’m glad it was my fault, because I don’t want to blame the world or God or anyone else.

Sometimes, when I am sick and in my mind, I just step outside and allow this world to be all that it is to me. And the sun’s heat, the mismatched clouds, the sounds of lawns being mowed, they heal me. I recently spent two weeks beneath Italian mountains, and the way they rose from the forest blanket, staring at the sky and daring to be grander than anything else around them… I was small in the best way. I really am allowed to let go and give my worries to the mountains and the God who fashioned them perfectly.

I can lean into friendships. The people who make me laugh without trying. The eyes I can stare straight into without fearing what they see. The people who validate my fears, cry through memories of boys I shouldn’t have liked, and still view me as a whole, capable woman through it all. The people who instill confidence in me, who build me up, who let me dare to be more than who I am today. Who told me I could be more in the first place.

And Jesus. Jesus. My shepherd who died to give me life I don’t appreciate, days I worry out of existence. Why do I think so small when I have a Father who made everything?

So today I choose. As one who chooses to lose weight from their body, I choose to lose weight from my mind and soul. It doesn’t happen all at once, but change begins with a choice. For me, it’s a pledge to gratitude. It’s a decision to fight the stress headaches and negative perception by Truth and new foundations. It’s a promise to have fun. To think of nothing sometimes. To dream again. A new way of living that I used to be good at, until I thought I had to play God in my life.

And that’s why I couldn’t publish that other post. It can’t be me anymore. I don’t need to tell you what’s wrong in this world, and I surely don’t have to tell myself.

But I do need a reminder of what is beautiful and worth my musings. I need to remember who God is in this world and who God is in mine.

And maybe you need that reminder, too.

One thought on “It’s Time To See The Good

  1. Hello Maddie,

    Somehow or other, possibly through LinkedIn or my old Facebook account, I got subscribed to your blog.

    Let me introduce myself – my name is Bob Hayes, and I’m nearly certain we’ve never met. Unlike you, I’ve been out of college long enough to have been in my career as an engineer at a defense firm in Mason, Ohio (north of Cincinnati). I am a director of Advanced Programs at L3.

    What we share, I’m nearly certain, is a love for Jesus Christ, and a desire that He shape our lives. For a while, I’ve gotten your posts, and each time I get one from you, I enjoy reading how God is working in your life. I appreciate your journey of self-discovery and can appreciate the challenges and discoveries you face. It’s really quite wonderful to read what God is putting into your heart to write for the world to see.

    I wanted to encourage you in your walk today. Keep on keeping on. Throughout the posts I’ve seen is a strong desire to please God, mixed with an uncertainty for how to do it, mixed with fear of missing God’s timetable for the desirable things in life – job, career, marriage. Let me assure you, you are not alone in facing that dilemma. As someone who has been waiting on God’s timetable for a some of those same things longer than you, let me encourage you to keep the faith and do not compromise. Always have unswerving faith in the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob – the Jesus of the cross – the Holy Spirit in your heart. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a good passage I’m sure you know well.

    Anyway, I just wanted to drop you a note of encouragement today. And while I’m at it, wish you a happy July 4th. Have a wonderful holiday!

    If you wish to contact me, you may do so at bob.hayes@zoho.com or via text at 859-630-3389. I’m not sure how to respond to these blogs without making it a public response, but this seemed more like the kind of thing I wanted to just send to you directly rather than the whole world.

    God bless you as you serve Him this week!

    Bob Hayes

    > >

    Like

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